What Happens When Feedback Is Shut Down?

Essential lessons on feedback from my experience as an executive coach

Ever been to THOSE team meetings?

You know the team meetings I’m talking about. The ones where you disagree with your boss’s direction but feel like you can’t speak up. The ones where you mustered enough courage to speak up, only to have your ideas shot down. 

Having been an executive coach in Singapore for the past 14 years, this is something I’ve seen too often. Many leaders do not know how to respond to feedback, and when feedback is given, their first instinct is to brush it aside. 

What does this do to the people who made the effort to voice out their opinions? 

It leaves them feeling unheard. 

Similar to the ‘7 Stages of Grief’, my experience as an executive coach has led me to coin the ‘3 Stages of Disappointment’ that I’ve seen people go through when their feedback is disregarded. 

1. Retreat

The first stage is retreat. This is particularly true in the Asian context, where people naturally shy away from confrontation. In fact, 9 out of 10 people who I’ve coached would tell me that they back away from it altogether. 

Instead of going to their boss to talk about how they felt when their feedback shut down, they chose to retreat. They’d rather wait and hope that their boss realises the value of their feedback and in light of it, reconsiders their decisions. Although I must say, in all my years as a leadership coach, the probability of that happening is close to zero.

2. Resentment

The second stage is resentment. Suppose they dust themselves off, put aside the incident and try to share their feedback once more. Once again, they are met with the same indifference. 

I can almost guarantee you, that if they repeatedly experience their feedback being shut down, they will choose not to share whenever they are asked for their feedback in the future.

Why? Because when someone offers genuine “help” through their feedback, and yet face continual rejection, we remove any reason for them to continue trying. 

At this point, their feelings of frustration that caused them to retreat have now accumulated into resentment.

As an executive coach, I want to learn about the effects that unresolved resentment may have on leaders and their teams. A common response I get is that this unresolved resentment will inevitably affect not just the working relationships within the team, but the performance levels of their team as well. Beyond that, the part that hits me the most as a leadership coach is how this could derail the entire leadership development journey, simply because it could lead to a lack of trust drives a wedge in the working relationship.

3. Resignation

The final stage is resignation. This is an extreme scenario but not at all uncommon in the workplace these days. As someone who customises the leadership development journey for my clients, I want to be known as a leadership coach who says things as they are. So here’s the reality.

So here’s the reality. 

People who are left unheard, will feel unappreciated.

People who are unappreciated, will not enjoy their working environment.

People who do not enjoy their working environment, will leave for somewhere else.

This has been a ‘PSA’ (Public Service Announcement), if you will, from someone who spends the majority of my time now as an executive coach, investing in the leadership development of business leaders in Singapore and for regional leaders as well. 

If you are at a stage where you’re about to raise the white flag and quit giving feedback, know that you’re not alone. If you are a leader who is wondering if you need to reevaluate how you handle feedback, hit us up on our website and see how we can help you.